What do Others See When They Look at YOU?

So, I was browsing Facebook tonight - yes, way procrastinating on writing - heck, I'm in my first trimester and I'm exhausted, okay? It's all I can do to make it to bed without passing out these days, let alone make myself sit in front of a computer to write. Anyway, I was on Facebook for a minute tonight and a friend shared this blog post. So You're Feeling Too Fat To Be...

 

The title intrigued me and I clicked away. The message smacked me in the face. SMACKED me in the FACE!

 

I'm in the beginning of my 7th pregnancy. 7. I lost my 6th one, like I've said on here before. It's okay, no biggy, but I realized that with my 7 pregnancies, I've put on a few pounds. I'm always so embarrassed by this. I don't feel sexy, or pretty, or svelte, or healthy. I never feel like I have the right to dress cute or pretty - 'cause honestly, who's going to want to see me pretending?

 

Or dancing. I love to dance. I can dance all day and all night. I love it. But who's going to want to see a fat chick dance?

 

I never let my kids hear me say I'm fat. I refuse to say that. But I say it to my husband and he says he thinks I should be bigger having had 7 pregnancies under my belt. He says I'm beautiful and look younger than most people my age, that I'm gorgeous naturally, that I have the prettiest skin, and the prettiest eyes, and he loves my thick hair that hits my waist. He loves me and kisses me all the time and wants to be alone with me still - hello! I'm pregnant for the 7th time and with the same man's kids... jeesh. I'm doing something right. lol.

 

My kids tell me all the time how pretty they think I am. My kids constantly tell me they think I'm skinny. And when I say, I'm not skinny. They say, but Mom, you have kids. You don't want to be skinny, do you? You're perfect, the perfect mommy.

 

People say, Bonnie, you just had a baby. You're pregnant again. Bonnie, don't be so hard on yourself. You'll get your body back.

 

And oh, how I wish they are right. I hope to one day see my 36-23-36 shape back, where my muscles can do things I only dream about now. I hope they see me and think "she's a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body. She can do it. I don't see the fat girl. I don't. I just see her".

 

But what I'm afraid they are thinking is, "holy cow, she's huge. Can't she control her eating? Can't she exercise? Can't she take the time to at least TRY?"

 

But... I wish I had the time. Did I mention all my kids are under the age of 8? I homeschool them. I'm working on being a writer, an author. I'm pregnant, like, all the time. And, crud, I'm a great cook. I know that's rude to say, but oh, man, it's the truth and I'm also a great eater. Put those two together and it's a BAD combination. Or a good one, depending on your perspective.

 

Did I mention that I'm an emotional eater? So when we have to deal with my in-laws - who consequently call me fat behind my back and describe me to people as "The Big Daughter-In-Law" or the "The Big One" - I eat. I can't help it. It's so funny, I've even had my mil say oh, you're just starting to lose weight, too bad you're pregnant again. But it isn't their fault I eat.

I eat when I'm stressed. I eat when I'm tired. I eat for inspiration for my writing - my books are stressful. I eat with my emotions. Heck, I eat when someone ELSE is stressed! It's jacked up.

 

I know, right?

 

But I eat. And I wish I didn't. But I do.

 

And the worst thing? The worst enemy to myself - that pushes all the other stuff above way down the list?

 

Is myself.

 

ME.

 

Do you know that I have my pre-pregnancy clothes still in my closet? Piles and piles and stacks of awesomely cute clothes that I love LOVE so much. Do you know how many fat clothes I allow myself? I have two pairs of pants and 6 shirts. Which I detest. HATE with a burning passion. But I won't let myself spend the money.

 

Why? Because I don't want to be fat forever. And because I don't feel like I deserve it.

 

But I do want to feel cute. And I'm not. I don't feel anything but disgust about myself. Nothing. So the article above, which I highly suggest you read, has made me take a second look at how I view myself. I might need to start playing with makeup - at least mascara... or doing my hair, just a bit, rather than throwing it up in a messy bun everyday.

 

I can look cute. I'm sure I can. There are heavier women out there that are absolutely beautiful. And I wish I could do it. I'm jealous of them. I want to be them.

 

All of this while being me.

 

Sorry, for the dump this has turned into. But this is me. I'm not perfect. I'm overweight. And I just want to love myself the way that my kids and my husband do. I want to see the Bonnie I know I am inside the bigger girl I've become.

 

I want to love me. At all stages of my life. Thick or thin. That's what I want. Hopefully, I can do that.

 

What do you find is hardest to love about yourself? Because I see in you all the good stuff. I only notice the bad in me.

 

Have a great day today and pick one nice thing to think about yourself.

 

Mine is - I'm brave to love whole heartedly. Even when I'm afraid.